Why I'm a Halloween Grinch
In honor of the holiday, I'm re-posting this from the archives. Since I wrote this poem when I was about fifteen, there are a lot of lines I don't love, but for the sake of integrity I'm leaving it unchanged. Grinchy Halloween, everyone!
The short reason is that there were already Halloween decorations up in our neighborhood at the end of September. One house has a very realistic skeleton seated in a rocking chair on their front porch- how charming. There’s even a little skeleton doggie nosing at the skeleton’s feet. For the long reason, well, keep reading.
Although I didn't mention it in my post about seasonal pros and cons, Halloween is probably my least favorite aspect of Autumn. Last year around this time, I was ranting to my mom about the Halloween decorations I had to ride past every day, and either she or I said something about me sounding like the Grinch. So, naturally, I had to vent my annoyance by writing a spooky parody of everyone’s favorite Seussical Christmas poem. :) “How the Grinch Stole Halloween” is very different from the serious, free verse poetry I tend to write, but it was ridiculously fun to write. Also, my awesome sister drew the cover pictured above, basing it on the cover of the original book. :)
Please do note that I have nothing against people who enjoy celebrating Halloween. I was one of you when I was younger:
However, I guess I’ve changed since then, and the thought of bedecking my house with spiders and ghosts and walking around in the dark asking strangers for candy just doesn’t appeal to me anymore.
How the Grinch Stole Halloween
The folk of the woodlands all liked Halloween,
But the Grinch, who lived south of the woodlands, was mean.
So he thought on the 30th, as he lay in his bed,
“It’s driving me crazy! Plain out of my head!
“The ghosts and the spiders! The costumes! The candy!
“I’d soon end it all, if I had a plan handy.”
Then he pondered a while (quite cleverly too)
And before very long, said, “I know what to do!
“My cousin, the great Grinch of Whoville, once tried
“To steal Christmas presents and what was inside
“But the Whos still had Christmas, because of the joy
“Although he had taken every last toy.
“Halloween’s dark, frightening, and scary,
“There’s no cause for joy- but still, I’ll be wary.”
So saying, he stretched; to the mirror he strode,
As he stood there he pulled on a sort of a robe.
It was filmy and black, and had no shape at all,
And it made him look scary and terribly tall.
“I’ll trick-or-treat just one night early!” he cried,
“They couldn’t find out who it was if they tried!” That night woodlanders dreamt Halloween dreams,
Their faces had sleep-smiles; their nightlights, dim gleams.
Then the Grinch sneaked up to the first house on his list,
When he saw what it looked like, he just shook his fist.
The yard was all littered and filled with gravestones,
And from the roof-corners hung what looked like bones.
A spider was climbing the southeastern wall;
There were ghosts in abundance, like leaves in the fall.
Then when he had taken what he felt was right,
Put it into his cloak and stole off in the night.
The next house he came to gave him a surprise.
In fact, he could hardly believe his own eyes.
There were no decorations, not even one ghost,
But the Grinch was much more pessimistic than most.
“They don’t like the spiders, perhaps it is true,
“But I’m sure they would still give the kids candy, too.
“Since I’m in this costume, why, I’ll trick-or-treat! “I’ll go into that house and steal every last sweet!”
Well, the Grinch saw what he expected, and more.
In fact, he could scarcely crack open the door,
Or so much as step past the threshold, before
Out did candy corn, taffy, and caramels pour.
The Grinch remained calm; he did not even blink,
Yet deep down inside he was happy, I think,
To know that the people were bad as he’d thought,
And that this Halloween to an end would be brought.
So he took gathered the candy- yes, every last bit!-
Every last little morsel, and that wasn’t it.
Some costumes were hung in the closet with care,
He tucked them under his robe and left them there.
So all night long the Grinch worked in this way,
If folks had been awake, they’d have heard him say,
Just as the night’s end was getting on,
As he gave a mighty yawn,
“I’ve been everywhere, I am certain of that,
“I’ve taken each tombstone, each goblin, each bat.
“Each house and each yard, I’ve laid them all bare,
“There are no decorations left people to scare.
“And I have not stopped at the outdoors, I know,
“I went into each house into which I could go.
“I’ve taken their costumes, their baskets of sweets,
“I’ve played all the tricks for this year’s ‘trick-or-treats.’
“And now that I’ve finished, I’ll go home and rest,
“Just ‘til late this evening, when the scene will be best.”
So he hurried on south, and unlocked his front door,
He dumped the black cloak filled with loot on the floor.
Then, while the world was making its bed,
The Grinch crawled under his covers, instead.
But when he awoke- what a shock! what a fright!-
You would never have guessed what had been done last night,
For at each house people were handing out sweets,
And dark decorations were along all the streets.
The Grinch was so sad, he did not even speak,
But his mind scolded people for causing this freak
In his wonderful, excellent, marvelous plan.
Then when he did speak, he said, “Well, I can
“Go back to my bed and sleep a long time.
“And when I wake up, everything will seem fine.
“With never a thought, and never a sigh
“Of the dreadful, bad things that money can buy.”
The End
Tell me what you think: How do you feel about Halloween? Is there any annual event that makes you Grinchy?
