Tales from the Checkstand, Volume 5
On my lunch breaks at work, I often sit under a tree outside the parking lot. I enjoy drinking in the beauty of nature undisturbed and feeling like I'm not at the grocery store.
Once, while I was doing this, an older man walked past me. He was talking on his cell phone, so I hoped that he would just ignore me, but to my surprise he finished his conversation, turned around, and came back toward me. Here is what he said:
"I just wanted to tell you-- I came outside to enjoy the beautiful sunshine, and I saw you sitting there, and you're obviously a young person and you have a sort of innocence about you, so seeing you just improved the aesthetic of the day for me."
It's up there on the list of the most strangely specific compliments I've ever received.
Another man bought three big bags of frozen chicken and told me he was going to feed it to his alligators.
One of my customers loves to tell terrible jokes. (Yes, the italics are necessary to convey just how groan-worthy his sense of humor is.)
A couple of times, when I've asked him how he's doing, he's said, "I'm temperamental. I have a bad temper and no mental."
I was rolling on the floor. Definitely.
More recently, he said, "Oh, I'm pretty good. I'm 1% pretty and 2% good."
Ha. Ha.
But my least favorite is when he asks what he can do with his rewards points. It's a trap.
If I tell him, "You can get 20 cents per gallon off gas right now," he quickly puts his hand on his stomach and replies, "Oh, I've got plenty of gas already."
One day, I had my revenge.
He came in, made the temperamental joke when I greeted him, and when I told him how many points he had, asked, "What can I do with those?" His hand went to his stomach in preparation, thinking I would take the bait once again.
A big friendly smile on my face, I said, "You can get 50 cents per gallon off fuel right now!"
His face fell, and he walked out of the store without another word. But such, alas, are the methods I must use in order to survive as a retail worker.
