Voiles: Original vs. Remix
"Voiles," included in my book The Sense of Non-cents, is a poem I wrote when I was fifteen. While I like the poem, its writing style definitely reflects the age at which I wrote it, meaning (to me at least) it feels a bit immature or naive. However, there was a typo in the book-- the first word was left off one line of the poem. When I noticed the typo, I was intrigued by the effect it created. It inspired me to rewrite the entire poem based on the mistake in this one line. So here is the original poem and the "remix."
Voiles
I want the Pacific Ocean,
But I will make do
With the Atlantic
If I have to.
I want the waves with their power and ceaselessness,
Wind rushing out from the shore.
I want the waves threatening to carry me away,
The waves, with their delicate roar.
I want the salt water, stinging and bitter,
I want the rocks that loom over the sand.
I want the sand. How it slips through my fingers!
How it slips through the cracks in a sea-weathered hand.
I want the sand dollars, sea stars, and pelicans
Rare glimpses of orcas breaching for joy.
I want the water, rushing forward, pulled back, numbing me.
For all of these things—
To the ocean I’ll fly.
I want air.
I want space.
I want freedom.
I want stretches of wind-scattered sand.
I want love.
I want trust.
I want to breathe.
I want miles of sub-marine land.
Miles of unowned land.
Miles of ocean-soaked land.
Voiles II
Waves with their power and ceaselessness,
Wind rushing out from the shore.
Waves that carry it all away,
Waves, with their delicate roar.
Salt water, stinging and bitter,
Rocks looming over the sand.
Sand. How it slips through fingers!
How it slips through the cracks in a sea-weathered hand.
Sand dollars, sea stars, and pelicans
Orcas breaching for joy.
Water, rushing forward, pulled back, numbing.
For all of these things—
To the ocean, fly.
air.
space.
freedom.
stretches of wind-scattered sand.
love.
trust.
breathe.
miles of sub-marine land.
miles of unowned land.
miles of ocean-soaked land.
I'm not claiming either poem is better than the other, but I think it's fascinating how changing just a handful of words can result in a dramatically different poem. Not only is the feel of the second poem different from the first, but they are actually about different subjects. The first poem, though I may not have realized it when I wrote it, is about me. In removing the "I want" from the beginning of many lines, I erased myself from the poem. Now it is about the ocean.
Tell me what you think: Which version do you like better?
